If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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