So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
