Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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