i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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