Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
