I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
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