you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
