i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
