Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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