i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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