God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
