nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
