I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
