I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
