just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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