I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
