Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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