Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
its not stalking. its research.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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