Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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