Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
