I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
