Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
