I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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