I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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