He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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