i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
