If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
