Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
