my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
