I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
