piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
