im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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