This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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