Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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