I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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