At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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