covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
