getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
