After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Be still, my beating vagina.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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