My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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