I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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