Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
