To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
