He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
