i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
