if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
