At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
