my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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