I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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