At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
