Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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