he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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