nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
