I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
