Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
