ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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