I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
