The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
