nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
